Have you been on the receiving end of fits of rage that are completely irrational and disproportionate to the situation? One second all is well, and the next, all hell is breaking loose. They’re hurling insults at you, yelling in your face, screaming, banging, breaking, or throwing things—maybe even worse. Narcissistic rage can be downright shocking and terrifying as you watch this person become totally unhinged right before your eyes.
What is Narcissistic Rage?
So first off, narcissistic rage is a defense mechanism used to protect the narcissist’s false persona and fantasy reality. A prominent theory, one that I agree with, is that at the root of narcissistic personality disorder, at least most of the time, is a wound—a core wound that is so deep and so painful that it causes the narcissist to reject who they are and to replace it with a new fantasy self and a new reality where they are in control, and they need other people to play along and uphold their delusional “reality.” The narcissist doesn’t want anyone, including themselves, to see the wounded, shameful self that they’ve split away from. They work very hard and expend a lot of energy to stay separate from the intensely worthless and helpless core self that they’ve buried under a thick layer of concrete.
Anytime they consciously or subconsciously are reminded of that wound—anytime someone or something threatens to unearth or revive their wounded, helpless, shameful, hated self—they use whatever means necessary to annihilate that threat. So before I give you the 10 triggers of narcissistic rage, let me quickly explain the difference between anger, which is a completely normal human emotion, and narcissistic rage.
First, narcissistic rage is not gradual. It is not like anger that intensifies in stages from irritation, frustration, and so on. Narcissistic rage goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. It’s irrational and disproportionate; it’s like a child-like reaction that seems to be coming out of nowhere. But it is coming from somewhere. Someone or something has reminded them of their wounded self and has disrupted their fantasy world. This makes them feel like they are losing control of everything.
Narcissistic rage can be active or passive. Active or aggressive rage is very explosive—screaming, hurling insults, physical intimidation, getting in your face, slamming doors, throwing things—and it can escalate into extreme levels of physical violence.
When it comes to narcissistic rage, the emotional and/or physical threats, the violent words or behavior, are aimed at making you back off to quickly regain a sense of control over you and the situation. Depending on how badly you wounded them, they often want to inflict maximum pain on you as revenge. Sometimes during an episode of narcissistic rage, they’re completely out of control; sometimes, they’re using the rage to evoke an emotional response from you. So regardless of whether the rage is genuine or contrived, its function is to gain control—to protect the illusion, and to get you to buy back into and to support the shared delusional reality.
Some narcissists tend to express their anger more passively or silently, so instead of acting like a raging maniac, they act calm and collected while raging under the surface. What you will experience with the passive or silent type of narcissistic rage is a very sudden shift in mood. Suddenly, their eyes change and turn evil; there’s a change in their tone, in their body language. They shut down and are unresponsive. Either they go completely silent and ignore you, or they pretend that nothing is wrong—that it’s all in your head—while they look like they want to kill you and do things to sabotage and secretly or indirectly cause you harm.
In the case of passive rage, it manifests as icy silent treatments, emotional stonewalling, sulking, gaslighting, and the oh-so-lovely passive-aggressive behavior.
Here are 10 specific things that will often trigger narcissistic rage:
Number 1: Triggering their feelings of inferiority. For example, you mentioned something cool that a friend did, or talked about a great trip or material possession that Jane Doe acquired, or how good so-and-so is looking since recovering from that illness. Depending on what the narcissist is preoccupied with—whether it’s fantasies of success, brilliance, beauty, love—they may only be triggered in the area that they value most, or they might get triggered by anything that they interpret as, you know, there’s somebody out there better than them.
Number 2: Not having all of the attention. When you give attention to someone else, they can get very upset, even if it’s your kids or your parents. They are especially prone to narcissistic rage when you give attention to someone that they see and perceive as a threat to their control over you.
Number 3: When you or someone else is putting pressure on them. When they meet resistance, stressors, or situations that are challenging, it triggers feelings of failure, of not being good enough, and they feel deeply humiliated—reduced to a lowly inferior nobody. And they will fight with everything in them to get that sense that they’re special, that they are superior.
Number 4: Criticism. The narcissist is hypersensitive to criticism because it threatens that false self and the fantasy illusion that they’ve worked so hard to create. So, even the most well-intended, gently delivered criticism can trigger narcissistic rage.
Number 5: When you go against the narcissist—don’t give them what they want, resist their suggestions, their way of doing things, or try to get them to see or do things differently—they feel like they are losing control over you.
Number 6: Anything that threatens to expose their wounded self. Trying to force them to see the truth about themselves, pointing out their hypocrisies, double standards, contradictions, lies, calling out bad behavior, or anything that suggests that you KNOW they are fake can trigger narcissistic rage.
Number 7: Withdrawing supply. This can be a huge trigger. Letting them know that you are opting out of the shared delusion, that you are no longer going to stay under their thumb or act as a source of supply to sustain their fantasy self and fantasy reality. You withdrawing threatens to smash their entire world, which is why they will often replace you before you even have a chance to see through the veil.
Number 8: Along the same lines is the fear of rejection and abandonment. Deep down, the narcissist feels unlovable, and even the slightest sense of rejection or abandonment reinforces this pre-existing belief. Hence the reason they much prefer to reject and discard you first. But if you happen to pull away from a narcissist, it can trigger an episode of narcissistic rage.
Number 9: Trying to manipulate a narcissist using their own tactics. The narcissist has been doing this a lot longer than you, and as a way to survive, so trying to beat them using their tactics and mind games will likely not end well, but rather end with an escalation of the narcissist’s efforts to get you back under control and put you back into your place.
Number 10: Their internal state can trigger narcissistic rage. So if they are already in a bad emotional state, the rage is already primed, so just your presence can set it off—the way you’re breathing, the way you look, what you wore, where you decided to park the car, how you’re chewing your food, some comment you made last week.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when dealing with narcissistic rage:
When the narcissist is raging, don’t try to use logic or get the last word. Recognize that they are out of control; they are not rational or thinking straight. Don’t try to argue or get them to see that they are overreacting, being mean, or hurting you, or whatever. In that moment, you need to see them as a wounded child who is using a primitive defense mechanism that they believe is necessary for their survival. Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that you accept their raging behavior, but do recognize that whatever triggered them has overwhelmed their ability to cope. They are seeking a sense of control and a sense that their false persona and fantasy reality is safe. So, sometimes the only way to end an episode of narcissistic rage is to pacify them long enough to get yourself out of the situation.
After an episode of narcissistic rage, the narcissist feels fragile, and they will either act like nothing happened, or they internally will rationalize their rage. Externally, they will often blame you for making them lose their cool. They will minimize what they said or did. They will shift the story/narrative. They may also use substances to cope and find other reckless or vicious ways to regain control.
If you feel as though the person is a threat to themselves or to you or anyone else, call 911 or an emergency number in your area. Recognize that you are not to blame for their rage and are not responsible for regulating their emotions or keeping up their fantasy delusions. If they are raging, leave the situation, protect yourself, and get the help you need to get back to the real reality.
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