A narcissistic relationship is a dynamic where one of the partners, the narcissist, has narcissistic personality disorder or exhibits significant narcissistic traits and behaviors. These traits include an excessive need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a pattern of manipulating or exploiting others. In this type of relationship, the narcissist seeks to fulfill their own needs and desires at the expense of their partner’s well-being.
So first, and perhaps the most prominent feature of a narcissistic relationship, is the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse can happen in other types of relationships, such as with people who have other mental health issues, addictions, or other Cluster B personality disorders. So just keep that in mind.
The cycle of abuse involves a repetitive pattern of idealization, devaluation, followed by discard, and repeat. Note that the discard phase might be an emotional discard rather than a full physical discard. An emotional discard is when the narcissist cuts you off psychologically; there is little to no communication. They have withdrawn all affection and are emotionally cold as ice towards you, making you feel unwanted, punished, maybe even hated. It can get to an extreme point where you are living together but have completely separate lives, being completely ignored by your narcissistic partner, where they only engage with you intermittently when they want or need something from you, or when they’re trying to create chaos and conflict because they are losing their sense of control over you and their environment.
Regardless of the narcissist’s exact behavior, the cycle of abuse involves a pattern of emotional ups and downs that create ongoing emotional turbulence and insecurity in the relationship. When a narcissist feels that they’re not getting enough attention and validation, or they feel like they don’t have enough control, they escalate their behavior to destabilize you and even to destabilize their own life. This can manifest as rage outbursts, threats of ending the relationship, increased manipulation, or creating all kinds of crises. This gives them a sense of power and control over the turmoil and the chaos that they are orchestrating because, since they’re orchestrating it, they get to decide if and when it stops.
Once they feel like they’re back in control, the cycle starts over again. At first, they feel calmer and in control, but soon their internal anxieties, insecurities, and shame start to build up again. It’s like a pressure cooker or a tornado that’s gaining momentum until it’s got the full force and explodes. Instead of recognizing this as an internal problem, the narcissist looks outward and externalizes it, looking for someone or something to blame for this internal pressure that they’re feeling.
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Okay, so the second thing is exploiting your vulnerabilities. Narcissists often exploit your emotional vulnerabilities to manipulate and control you. They may use your insecurities, your past traumas, or any insecurity for that matter against you. They may do this subtly or overtly, and it’s to undermine your confidence and maintain their sense of dominance in the relationship.
Number three is silent treatments. They will deliberately ignore you or refuse to communicate as a form of punishment, creating emotional distance and isolation, making you feel abandoned, destabilized, uncertain, and insecure about the relationship or even about yourself. So keep in mind that it’s not considered a silent treatment if your partner requests a short break in order to regroup. Asking for time and space until they feel capable of having a rational discussion is okay. But if they are refusing to talk to you for days in order to punish you, and then coming back expecting an apology from you or acting as though nothing happened, then it is manipulation.
Number four is dishonest or shady behavior. A narcissist will demand your full honesty and integrity while simultaneously doing shady things behind your back. This might include infidelity, emotional or sexual. It can involve secretive financial purchases or transactions; it can be hiding significant aspects of their personal life. These things will be disguised as innocent interactions, and the narcissist will always be prepared with justifications or plausible deniability. This hypocrisy is used to maintain control and manipulate you, all while accusing you of the dishonest behavior that they’re doing to deflect attention away from their own actions.
Number five is gaslighting. I won’t get into too much detail about this because I have several videos on this topic, but in essence, a narcissist will distort reality to manipulate you into questioning your own memories and perceptions. Even if you have clear evidence of their dishonesty or inappropriate behavior, they will insist that you’re mistaken, you’re not remembering things right, causing you to doubt your own sanity and judgment.
Number six is the lack of accountability. Most narcissists have a complete inability to genuinely acknowledge or apologize for their mistakes or wrongdoings. Any discussions or conflicts are framed as a battle to be won, to make you wrong, to prove that you are the sole problem in this relationship. If ever they do admit to anything, it turns out you’re still at fault for making them do it. They are always rationalizing, minimizing, denying, blaming, shaming—anything to avoid taking accountability, which obviously makes it impossible to resolve issues or find satisfying solutions.
Number seven is stonewalling. Along the same lines, a narcissist will refuse to discuss issues in a respectful and constructive manner. Instead, they constantly deflect attention from the current issue by dredging up past grievances.
Number eight is constant disappointment. A narcissist will implicitly and explicitly express their disappointment in you. No matter how much effort you put into the relationship, it is never enough. I mean, never. If they are complaining about problem A and you fix problem A, problem B is waiting in the wings, and on and on it goes. You can solve every problem they present to you; you can try harder and harder. But if you haven’t realized this yet, please listen carefully: it will never be enough. That’s because they are projecting an internal problem externally, and you can’t fix what’s inside of them.
Now, if on the other hand, there is a real problem—for example, maybe you have an addiction that you’re not taking care of or dealing with, and it’s an ongoing issue that never is being resolved—then that’s different. What I’m talking about here is the constant shifting of problems, conflicting expectations, higher standards, and of course, double standards. So much so that no matter how hard you work and adapt to them, they’re never happy. Despite them expecting you to be responsible for their happiness, they have very little concern about your happiness. Heck, they probably don’t even know the first thing about what makes you happy.
Number nine is conditional love and validation. The so-called love you get from a narcissist is contingent upon you working hard to meet their expectations and fulfill their needs at all times. But again, even if you do, the goalposts are always changing, keeping you in a perpetual state of anxiety and uncertainty, always trying to please them in order to earn their fleeting crumbs of affection and approval, reinforcing this one-sided dynamic.
Number ten is triangulation. This is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist involves a third party or multiple parties to create confusion and insecurity. This could involve bringing up ex-partners or bringing in friends and family members into conflicts or conversations to make you feel inadequate or to pit people against each other or against you. By creating a sense of competition, comparison, or conflict, the narcissist further controls and manipulates your emotions and the narratives.
To learn more about triangulation, please click on the link above. Most narcissists, especially female covert narcissists, craft an outward image of being warm, charming, and considerate in social settings. They’re very polite and engaging, making it seem as though they are a supportive and loving partner. This facade is designed to gain admiration and make sure that people are on their side when their relationship goes down the drain, as it always does.
So you, as the partner, may be the only one who sees these contrasting sides of her—Miss Nice in public, but behind closed doors, she is controlling and abusive. This abuse typically includes harsh criticisms about your habits, your personality. You’ll be exposed to their constant catastrophizing, their bad moods and negativity, tons of blaming and shaming, and other forms of emotional manipulation, creating a huge discrepancy between how other people perceive her and your actual experience with her. Of course, she perceives herself as an amazing person and always, always, always as the victim.
If you decide to stay in a narcissistic relationship for whatever reasons, it’s important to set firm boundaries and prioritize your own emotional well-being. It’s also important not to take the narcissist’s behavior personally and to not inadvertently reward their abusive behavior patterns. For example, after a big fight that the narcissist orchestrated, perhaps you end up having some deep conversations, increased sexual intimacy, maybe you give them a heartfelt apology or significant validation, which of course they readily accept while absolving themselves of everything they did to create the crisis in the first place.
