7 Clues to Spot a Covert Narcissist in Conversation -

Have you ever met someone who seems very nice and pleasing, but something feels off? You might have run into a covert narcissist. Narcissists, in general, think they’re the center of the universe. They crave attention and admiration like it’s their lifeline and couldn’t care less about anyone else. The overt narcissists are easy to spot because they’re loud and proud, always making everything about themselves. But the covert narcissists are sneaky; they act humble, shy, and caring. Don’t be fooled—under that nice guy act, they’re as dangerous as their overt buddies.

Since covert narcissists are experts in hiding their narcissism, you might find it hard to identify them. No worries; I’ll be sharing with you some clues to help you spot them in conversations.

Clue 1: Sympathy.

Covert narcissists subtly ask for your sympathy. Are you an empathetic person? Dr. Les Carter, a therapist specializing in narcissistic personality disorder, emphasizes that empathetic individuals are particularly vulnerable to covert narcissists because they are naturally inclined to help and support others. Covert narcissists exploit this by consistently framing their experiences as unfair and seeking reassurance. Covert narcissists are like emotional fishermen—always casting their lines to reel in sympathy. They have this sneaky way of making everything about themselves in conversations. When you’re talking to them, they will start going on about how they had the worst day ever or how everyone’s always out to get them. They’re hoping you’ll rush in to save the day. They want you to feel sorry for them so they can feel important.

So next time someone’s fishing for sympathy, keep an eye out for those subtle lines. Remember this: it’s not your job to sympathize or empathize with a covert narcissist’s unreasonable complaints in life.

Clue 2: Humble Brag.

Narcissists tend to humble brag. Which one of these two types of people annoys you more: the obvious boastful one or the one who acts like they’re humble? Covert narcissists are experts at playing the humble game while secretly patting themselves on the back. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and narcissism expert, explains that false humility is a hallmark of the covert narcissist. By downplaying their accomplishments, they create a scenario where others feel compelled to compliment and elevate them, feeding their need for validation. Picture a covert narcissist at a party saying, “I was just so surprised when they asked me to give a speech at the conference. I’m not even that good at public speaking.” Here’s the translation of what they just said: “Look at me! I’m so important and excellent that they wanted me to speak.” Take note of this: if you catch someone playing it modestly but also trying to fish for compliments, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.

Clue 3: Mixed Signals.

Now let’s talk about the third clue. Covert narcissists give you mixed signals. Have you experienced talking to someone who seems to have the emotional consistency of a weather forecast? Covert narcissists are the masters of mixed signals. One minute they’re all smiles and praise, making you think they’re your closest friend; the next minute, they’re acting distant or even cold, as if they’ve never met you before. It’s their way of keeping you guessing and off balance. They love keeping people on edge because it lets them stay in control and maintain a sense of power.

Dr. Les Carter explained that mixed signals from covert narcissists could leave you feeling confused and anxious. Their fluctuating behavior creates a sense of dependency as you find yourself constantly trying to interpret their actions and seek their validation. Keep this in mind: you might be dealing with a covert narcissist if you’re finding yourself trying to figure out where you stand with them or if their behavior seems to swing wildly between friendly and aloof.

Clue 4: Gossip.

Covert narcissists tend to deliver gossip. They have a special talent for delivering gossip with a side of fake concern. They suddenly start going off about how awful a certain person is and how you should be careful around them. But don’t be fooled. Dr. Wendy Beery, a psychotherapist and author, explained that when covert narcissists gossip, they often disguise it as concern or advice. This false empathy serves to draw you in and make you feel special for being in the know while they simultaneously use the information to elevate themselves and diminish others.

Covert narcissists love to spread negativity; they might share private details about someone else, like that juicy tidbit they shouldn’t even know. It’s their way of controlling the narrative and making themselves look good at someone else’s expense. Listen closely: if they’re trashing someone else to you, you can bet your bottom dollar they’re doing the same about you when you’re not around.

Clue 5: Flattery.

Narcissists flatter and fawn to win favor. One way to identify a covert narcissist in conversations is to keep an eye out for how they butter you up. They tend to lay it on thick with compliments, showering you with praise that feels just a bit too much. Dr. Joseph Burgo, a clinical psychologist and author of The Narcissist You Know, explains the dual purpose of flattery. Covert narcissists use flattery to create a sense of mutual admiration. They want you to feel important so that you, in turn, will see them as important and worthy of your attention and respect. But beware: all that flattery is often a tactic.

Covert narcissists aren’t just being nice because they think you’re awesome. No, they have an agenda. They’re using compliments and praise to get in your good graces. It’s their way of making you feel so flattered and appreciated that you won’t see their real motives coming. It’s like a magician distracting you with a flashy trick while they pull a fast one behind your back. Think of this: if you’re getting showered with compliments that seem just a tad over the top, take a step back. It might not be genuine admiration but a carefully crafted act.

Clue 6: Oversharing.

Covert narcissists tend to overshare. A covert narcissist will try to be an open book to keep you closer to them. They will tell you every detail of their life story, including the deep personal secrets that most people would keep to themselves. Here’s the catch: this oversharing is not just because they think you’re a fantastic listener; it’s part of their sneaky plan to win your trust. They’re hoping you’ll feel obligated to reciprocate and spill your secrets by dumping their emotional baggage all over you. Remember this: if someone’s getting way too personal way too quickly, be cautious. They might be fishing for your secrets while pretending to be your new best friend. And guess what? Your secrets are never safe with them.

Clue 7: Backhanded Compliments.

Covert narcissists offer backhanded compliments. Have you ever had someone give you a compliment that left you feeling a bit off? Instead of just saying “great job,” they might throw something like, “Wow, I didn’t think you could pull that off,” or “It’s impressive you managed to do that given how you usually struggle.” It’s a classic move from a covert narcissist. Dr. Wendy Beery explained that backhanded compliments are a double-edged sword. On the surface, they seem positive, but there’s an underlying message meant to diminish you. Covert narcissists use this tactic to keep you in a state of self-doubt. They’re like jealous kids at a birthday party when they see you doing well; it’s like they’re burning with envy. So they use these underhanded remarks to try and deflate you a bit. Next time you get a compliment that feels more like a backhanded jab, trust your instincts. It’s probably not just you being oversensitive; you might be dealing with one of these covert narcissists trying to throw you off your game.

If someone’s behavior feels off or too good to be true, it’s important to pay attention to those red flags. With a little awareness, you can see through the covert narcissist’s actions. So as you go about your daily interactions, keep an eye out for these clues; it can help you avoid getting caught up in their emotional games.