A narcissist wants to be the most confident person in the room, and they really do a good job of projecting that, don’t they? But the truth is, what they’re really doing is overcompensating for deep-rooted insecurity. And so, when they see your confidence, it’s gonna trigger them because your confidence might be real, while theirs is a facade.
In fact, whenever they see someone showing true confidence, they’re going to react. And it’s never gonna be more obvious than it is with someone that they used to see as weak. So, in this article, we’re gonna talk about what happens when the narcissist starts seeing signs of true confidence coming out in you—a person who may have been abused and gaslighted by the narcissist for years.
So when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may start out with some level of confidence. They may even be responsible for building you up. BUT it doesn’t take long for them to start tearing you down. And this is what we call the devaluation stage. This is when they pick apart everything you do, and when their lies become a little bit more obvious, and they start gaslighting. And this is when, slowly but surely, it starts to have an effect on your sense of self, your self-worth, and your self-esteem. And this is the most dangerous part about any type of emotional abuse: it disconnects you from who you are and who you’re meant to be.
The good news is that you can get back to it. You can never lose that part of yourself. So during a relationship with a narcissist, over time, you start feeling like less and less of yourself. You start feeling less confident in your abilities. You start feeling like your opinions don’t matter, and at its worst, you end up feeling like a shell of yourself.
So what happens when you go from that place to suddenly showing signs of confidence, or maybe even gradually rebuilding that confidence behind the scenes? When you show that confidence to a narcissist, how are they gonna react? And if you’ve been here, I would love to know your experience. Please do let us know in the comments below because your experience may help someone who’s going through it right now.
So to add to what I already know is going to be super helpful information, I’m going to give you five things that a narcissist does when they start to see you being confident. These are five ways that a narcissist reacts to your confidence. You may notice a combination of reactions that kind of take place all at once. But if you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist of any kind, and you start showing confidence, you’re going to identify with at least one of these signs.
1. They will criticize your confidence.
Confidence shows up in so many different ways, right? So you might be standing taller, you might be talking louder, you might be projecting your voice and be more sure of the things that you’re saying. You may choose words that are more confident, or maybe you stop apologizing for things that aren’t really your fault. Maybe you’re no longer showing signs that you’re second-guessing yourself all the time; you’re making decisions and you’re following through with them.
So if a narcissist starts mocking your confidence and mocking the way you’re speaking or the way you’re standing, walking, or holding yourself, just know that you’re on the right track. This narcissist is recognizing confidence within you, and it’s triggering to them. Make no mistake about it: that is a good thing for you.
2. Belittling your confidence.
Another reaction that you might expect is the narcissist belittling your confidence. Imagine you’re confident because of something that happened in your life—something good. Let’s say you got a promotion at work. The narcissist will kind of chip away at that and say, “Yeah, you know, that’s good, but you know, it’s just a little promotion,” or, “Uh, yeah, but you only got, you know, this much of a raise,” or “Yeah, but you’re still so far behind where you should be.”
This type of belittling can happen in big and small ways. The narcissist could see that you’re confident in your appearance, let’s say, and they start picking that apart. So instead of complimenting you, they might say, “Oh, you have something over here,” or “Are you sure you’re gonna wear that?” It’s almost as if when you start feeling confident, that’s when the claws come out. And especially with a covert or passive-aggressive narcissist, this might come in the form of backhanded compliments. These are compliments that are truly insults. I know it’s a little confusing because they’re called compliments, but they’re actually insults disguised as compliments.
3. They will call you a narcissist.
Another reaction you can expect from a narcissist when you start showing confidence is one that I’m gonna bet that you might have experienced before. Many people who are dealing with narcissists have experienced this: they will call you a narcissist.
You see, narcissists are very critical of people showing confidence, of course, and they’re very critical of things that seem narcissistic. They’re allowed to do all the things; it is their right, their birthright. But you are not allowed to show these signs of confidence, or else you are a narcissist. And this is where we can get stuck in the trap of, “I’m not a narcissist; you’re a narcissist,” and it’s not even worth going down that road. Just know that if a narcissist is calling you a narcissist, you’re on the right track. You are showing confidence. As long as you’re not actually being abusive to other people and your heart is in the right place, your empathy is intact, and you’re not actually a narcissist, then you are on the right track.
4. Rage.
Another reaction you can expect from a narcissist when you start showing confidence is that they might become angry; they might rage out. A narcissist’s goal, when they see that confidence coming out in you, is to push it down, to stuff it down, to make you feel like you are not enough, like you don’t deserve to be confident. That is their number one goal, and they will try to do that in any way possible. But if they can’t make you feel worthless, what they’re gonna do is they’re gonna rage out.
And this is a typical narcissistic response. Most narcissists will go through all of the motions. They’ll go through the devaluation, the criticizing, the gaslighting. They’ll go through all of that, and then if that doesn’t work, then they’ll resort to rage. Actually, the rage that we’re talking about here is a little bit different than when we talk about narcissistic rage. When we talk about narcissistic rage, usually what we’re talking about is what happens when you trigger shame within the narcissist, and they just instantly fly off the handle. They rage out in whatever way that they show anger.
Your confidence absolutely could trigger shame within the narcissist because their confidence is not real; it’s not genuine. And so to see somebody else having something that they might think is real and genuine could trigger shame within them. Or the anger you see might be a little bit more calculated; it would be in an effort to just shut you down at whatever cost.
So now let’s talk about whether it is a good idea to show confidence in front of a narcissist.
And really, always, safety comes first. If you feel like they’re gonna rage out, if they’re gonna somehow get violent, then it’s probably not a good idea to show confidence in front of a narcissist. It’s a better idea to keep yourself safe and to walk away. You can always build confidence behind the scenes so you don’t have to remain insecure, but you’re always gonna put your personal safety first.
If you have a narcissist in your life that you have to maintain contact with for whatever reason, the best strategies are usually low contact or gray rock. You’re really going to be showing little emotion; you’re not gonna let them know what’s going on with you. So as a strategy, I would not really suggest, in those cases, showing the narcissist that you are this majorly confident person. Because those strategies are about getting the least amount of reaction from the narcissist possible. So we’re not trying to trigger the narcissist.
But there are all kinds of relationships out there, and it’s up to you to use your discernment to decide whether you want to show up as your true and authentic self with the narcissist, and if you feel safe doing so. Because you can expect a reaction, and what you’ll see is probably gonna be some variation of one of the five things that we’re talking about here today.
Now, let’s talk about what happens when you persist, when you keep going and keep building your confidence and keep showing your confidence. What can you expect from a narcissist? For the most part, you can expect a discard of some sort because if a narcissist cannot control you, they’re going to set their sights on someone they feel that they can control.
Read More: Narcissist’s Kryptonite: How to Trigger Them in 30 Seconds.
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