10 Things Narcissists Say and What They REALLY Mean -

Narcissists definitely display very similar patterns to one another, and that is exactly why you can read so many of these articles and relate to every single thing that we talk about. So, this is going to be one of those articles. I promise you, we’re going to go through all of the common things that narcissists say, and I can bet that you have heard definitely more than one of them.

Right before we get into all the things that narcissists say and what they really mean by them, I want to point out that just because someone says one of these things doesn’t mean that they are a narcissist. You may have even said some of these things, but really, gaslighting phrases are what we’re talking about here. What we’re looking at are patterns of behavior, because all of these phrases can be very telling when there is a pattern of behavior behind them.

1. “You are too sensitive.”

So, the first phrase is a very common gaslighting phrase, and that is: “You are too sensitive. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” There are so many variations of how this can sound, but essentially they’re saying that your feelings don’t matter. So, whenever you hear a phrase like this, instead of taking it personally as it is intended, let’s read between the lines and figure out what they really mean by that.

They’re saying, “You’re too sensitive.” They’re putting a label on you and trying to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. But really, what they mean is that your feelings are annoying to them. It doesn’t mean that you’re too sensitive; it just means that they don’t want to deal with it. And really, narcissists don’t have the emotional empathy to really have the capacity to deal with your feelings or to care about them. So, they’re really being sincere: your feelings are annoying to them.

If you’re in a relationship with someone like this, it’s probably a good time to really consider whether this is something that you want to continue, whether this is a trait that you’re really looking for in a partner.

2. “That’s interesting, but you know what I find even more interesting is…”

Another phrase that you’ll hear from a narcissist very often is some version of, “Oh, well, that’s interesting, but you know what I find even more interesting?” Then they shift the conversation either to be about themselves or to be about something else that they want to talk about. The purpose here is really just to take it away from you, to give them the spotlight so they can take over the conversation and maintain their interest, because everything really has to serve the narcissist. They look at everything as transactional. So, if this conversation is not serving them in some way, then they’re just going to end it, they’re going to shut it down, probably walk away.

If you were raised to be polite and maybe a little bit of a people pleaser, you’re probably gonna let this one slide. If you always find yourself in conversations with someone who does this consistently, the best thing to do really is to see your way out. Because again, the person that you’re talking to probably doesn’t really have the capacity to hold a conversation that doesn’t serve them or doesn’t have anything to do with them. So, you can go ahead and try and take back control of the conversation, but really think about whether it’s worthwhile. What are you gaining? More importantly, what are you losing? And that’s probably your time. It may not be worth it to do if someone has a pattern of doing this consistently.

3. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

The next one is super interesting, and that is: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” I know that so many of you have heard this, but what makes it interesting is that there really are two definitions for the word “sorry.” Someone can say this in a way that is very direct and very honest, or they can say it in a way that is manipulative and make it seem like they’re apologizing when they’re really not.

So, the honest and direct way is, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I don’t believe I did anything wrong.” As long as someone is clear about that, then they are being honest and direct. Really what they’re saying is they’re using a different definition of the word “sorry.” It’s kind of like when we say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” So, the word “I’m sorry” can mean I have sympathy, or it can mean I have accountability. It’s really important to be able to tell the difference.

If you’re seeing patterns of somebody who’s not taking accountability for things that clearly they should be taking accountability for, then they’re probably at least a little narcissistic. I also want to point out that if this is something that happens once or twice, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a red flag. Just because someone thinks you should be sorry for something doesn’t mean that you should be sorry for it or that you should feel like you have to apologize if you aren’t sorry. You really shouldn’t apologize, because then it’s just fake and probably manipulative.

So that brings us to the next way people use this: “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and that is as a manipulative apology. If they don’t make it clear that they’re not taking accountability, then they’re trying to manipulate you. They might say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry you feel that way! I really hate the idea of you feeling like that. Let’s just move on.” When it’s said that way, it’s definitely much more manipulative, and that person is probably trying to pass it off as a true apology when it’s really not.

No matter what, if somebody uses this phrase with you, either directly or in a manipulative way, you may want to just make it clear that you don’t need somebody to take accountability for your feelings, and you don’t need them to sympathize with your feelings. What you’re looking for is to discuss their behavior.

4. “You are ruining my life.”

Another phrase that narcissists like to say is: “You are ruining my life,” or in the past tense, “You’ve ruined my life.” Unfortunately, when a narcissist is unhappy, it cannot be their fault, and so they’re definitely going to point fingers. They’re going to point fingers to the person who is closest to them, and if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, or if you have a narcissistic parent that you’re living with, that finger is going to be pointing to you.

What they’re trying to say here is that you are a burden. You are a burden to them; you’re weighing them down. But if you’re starting to believe this, I want you to take a look at the narcissist’s life overall. Were they happy before you got into their life, or are they ever happy in general? Because the answer is usually no, not for any stretch of time. While it’s easy to take responsibility and to internalize all of that negativity that’s coming your way, understand that most of it really isn’t yours. Put up your shield and deflect this one along with all the rest.

5. “I don’t have time for this.”

Another phrase that narcissists love to say is: “I don’t have time for this.” They might say, “I don’t have time for your drama,” or “I don’t have time for your nonsense.” Usually, this happens after they’ve dropped some big drama bomb, right? They’ve caused this giant mess, and then they’re pointing at you saying, “Look at how dramatic you are!” or “Oh, look at you, you’re too sensitive!” What they’re saying here is that your thoughts and feelings are frivolous. They mean nothing, and that’s really not an okay thing for anyone to say to another person.

So again, think really long and hard if you’re in a relationship with someone like this. If you can get out, think really long and hard about whether you want to stay in it. And hey, listen, sometimes there is nonsense that we just don’t have time for. You might have found yourself saying this time and time again if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. But when it’s really a problem is when someone is using it to invalidate your feelings or to invalidate you as a person.

A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

6. “You don’t want me as an enemy.”

The next thing that narcissists love to say is some variation of: “You don’t want me as an enemy.” This is very much a threat. This will come out when things start getting ugly. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, this comes towards the end of a breakup or a divorce. This happens a lot of times in the workplace, when a narcissist feels threatened by you. It can happen in any kind of relationship when the narcissist fears that you might expose them.

The ugly truth of it is you probably really don’t want a narcissist as an enemy. If you’re in this situation where things are starting to get ugly, really think about what you have to gain in going to battle. Sometimes it’s worthwhile; sometimes you might be able to come out on top. But definitely consider the things that you have to lose, and consider your vulnerabilities. Because narcissists lack emotional empathy, they may have a little, depending on where they fall on the spectrum, but that lack of emotional empathy can make a narcissist ruthless. So know exactly who you’re dealing with and weigh the pros and cons before you decide to go to battle with a narcissist.

If you’re in this place, I have an article that outlines what narcissists do when they’re losing control over you, and this article is going to be super helpful for anyone who’s dealing with this right now.

7. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”

Another thing narcissists love to say is: “You’re lucky I put up with you.” Another variation of it is: “You’ll never find someone like me.” Hopefully, you’ll say, “I sure hope not!” But this is an insult; this can be an attack on somebody’s character and self-worth. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, your self-worth is probably suffering already. Essentially, what they’re saying—the translation for this one—is: “You’re worthless, and no one else is going to want you, so you’re lucky I put up with you.”

I know that some of you are going to say you’ve said this before in a relationship with a narcissist: “You’re lucky I put up with you,” because they bring so much drama and turmoil to the table. It’s understandable, but look at it this way: at the very least, this phrase is a sign that this relationship is not healthy.

8. “You’re overthinking things.”

The next thing narcissists love to say is: “You’re overthinking things.” The reason they say this is because they want you to stop thinking about whatever it is that they’re not telling you. In relationships with narcissists, there’s a lot that’s left unsaid. The stuff that’s left unsaid we can call lies of omission—things that if you knew, you would get up, you would pack your bags, you would leave, you would end this relationship. But because they’re not upfront with you about what they’re doing, and you know your intuition is lighting up, you know something’s off. Maybe you can’t put your finger on what it is, or maybe you can, but you can’t prove it.

This is a recipe for overthinking, and that’s how these relationships train us into rumination. They train us into patterns of overthinking because you think you’re going to figure it out and somehow be able to find evidence to pin this person down to get the truth. The longer you stay in a relationship like this, the worse your rumination is going to be. For those of you who are in relationships like this and can’t quite get out or don’t want to, in my opinion, the best line of defense is to really just protect yourself—to work on you, work on your self-care and self-love. It’s definitely a process, but the more you love yourself, the less you’re going to care about someone who chooses to treat you this way.

9. “I never said that.”

The next thing that narcissists love to say—it’s a favorite—and that is: “I never said that.” Again, here we’re looking at patterns of behavior. It’s not just one time that they don’t remember saying something; it begins to feel like selective amnesia. It begins to feel like they remember everything except the things that are convenient for them not to remember. It can be infuriating, and they will often gaslight you into thinking that you’re the problem, that you’re the one who doesn’t remember things properly.

For those of you who might be stuck in a relationship like this, just start keeping records for yourself. Be careful about recording conversations, because consent laws vary based on where you are, but definitely start keeping records so at least you can do some reality-checking on your own, so you don’t start believing the gaslighting.

Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.

10. “You’re just jealous.”

The next thing that narcissists love to say is: “You’re just jealous.” This could mean you’re jealous of them, or it could mean that you’re jealous of someone else. But there’s something really interesting about this one, and that is the shame behind it. You see, especially for Christians, jealousy—same thing as envy—is a sin, right? It’s one of the seven deadly sins. So if somebody’s calling you jealous, what they’re saying is that you are. You’re the embodiment of this sin, right? So you should be ashamed of yourself.

They are doing nothing more than shaming you. I said especially Christians, but it’s not just Christians. As a society, as a world as a whole, we look at the word “jealous” as something that we should be ashamed of, something that we should not embody. If we do, even if it’s justified, even if you’re just pointing out an inappropriate relationship that somebody else shouldn’t be having, it’s so easy for you to take on the shame because you can beat yourself up, thinking, “I shouldn’t have those feelings. I just shouldn’t care,” right?

But the problem is that if somebody’s hiding things from you, and if they’re having an inappropriate relationship that they’re not admitting to, or maybe you even know about it, if all this stuff is going on, it is not your problem. You are not the one who should be ashamed of yourself.

One more thing you should know about this phrase, “You’re jealous,” is that it’s projection. Whenever somebody judges and they point the finger really hard at somebody else, it’s a really good indication of what’s going on inside that person, whether it’s a narcissist or not. This may be a characteristic that they exhibit, or it may be one that they repress. But no matter what, don’t let somebody put shame on you if you’re having those feelings. There’s probably something that needs to be discussed, so try to do what you can to bring the conversation back to the reasons why you’re feeling that way instead of just accepting the blanket of shame that they’re trying to throw on top of the problem.

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