Today, we’re going to talk about many of the things that narcissists say. There are few things that are more toxic in a relationship than being with a narcissist, and today we’re going to talk a lot about the things that narcissists say to gaslight you.
Briefly, a narcissist, or narcissistic personality disorder, is someone who is unempathic; they are perpetually grandiose, they believe they’re better than everybody else, and they tend to be abusive in relationships. They tend to use people and have the inability to have healthy relationships with others, particularly those they’re in romantic relationships with or family relationships with, and one of the tools they use to keep people in line is to gaslight.
Gaslighting, in essence, is telling people something to distort their version of reality. It can make people feel crazy to challenge the things they’re being told because they’re told them so consistently, and they’re told with such conviction that they want you to question your own reality. So, that’s the purpose of gaslighting; it’s a term I’m sure you’ve heard or read about online.
Let’s talk about the things that narcissists say to keep you gaslighted.
1. “I was only joking.”
What I hear all the time is, “I was only joking.” People use this to mask insidious, ugly behavior. They can say mean things, they can pull mean sort of behaviors, and then just say, “I was only joking,” and then make you feel like you’re overreacting for not liking it, or for saying something, or for getting angry, or for being upset. “Poor you.” This is one that makes my skin crawl. I hate it when I hear people say this, particularly narcissists, because they use it a lot; they try to minimize the things that you’re going through. So, if they want to be abusive and narcissistic, they’re going to minimize it; they’re going to make it feel like it’s no big deal.
If you’ve gone through something difficult that day, or you just want some empathy, they’re going to react with statements like, “Oh, poor you,” because they don’t have the capacity for empathy, so they’re not going to show you any empathy when you deserve empathy. We all deserve empathy sometimes; we all have challenging times, and sometimes we just need somebody to sit with us, to recognize what we’ve been through, and rather than do that, narcissists, if they’re in a mode where they want to hurt, or they want to twist the knife and they want to be mean, they’ll say things like that.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
2. “Oh, you’re such a victim.”
This one bothers me greatly as well because, oftentimes, people actually are victims of these narcissists. So, when they’re saying that, yeah, they actually, in fact, are victims of these people, because narcissists are so deeply flawed characterologically; their personality is disturbed, they see the world in a distorted way, and the people that are with them are their victims. And so, when they say things like this, “Oh, you’re such a victim,” it truly minimizes the amount of abuse the people with narcissists oftentimes go through.
3. “You’re too fat.”
“That doesn’t look good on you.” “You’re overweight.” “Are you gaining weight?” Those kinds of statements are really common with narcissists, and it’s really interesting because when I talk to narcissists and when I confront them about this, they truly believe it is their job and they deserve to say that to people. So, I know that when sometimes people read my articles, they react strongly because sometimes people comment, and they don’t like it when I say things like this because they believe so deeply that they are in the right to do this, that it does not compute for them how much they’re trying to control the person they’re with and how much they want to control their feelings because they feel so much rage that the person looks a certain way, or they feel so much rage that they just want to hurt the person and say things that they know are going to cut deep.
So, understand, if these are things that you hear a lot, or if these are things that are said to you a lot, that if the person is a narcissist that’s saying them, they’re saying them not only because they lack empathy but also because they can be sadistic, because they want to hurt. They don’t like it when people feel good about themselves.
4. “You’re crazy.”
This is another one I hear all the time, people trying to make you convinced there’s something wrong with you. So, they’re telling you you’re crazy; they’re trying to minimize the fact that you have anything legitimate to say. And that’s one way to try to shut people down, is telling them they’re crazy, because how do you argue against that? A similar but distinctly different one is, “If only people knew how crazy you are.” This is one that is sort of threatening to expose somebody, saying, “Look, I want to tell everybody how nuts you are,” and “If people knew how bad you actually were, no one would like you; they would reject you.” It’s another way to make people feel insecure about themselves and to feel like they have to be closer to the narcissist because other people are going to reject them. “What if I really am that crazy?” “What if people really wouldn’t like me?”
5. “I’m the only person that could ever love you.”
Unfortunately, this is a tool that narcissists use all the time. Sometimes people in non-narcissistic relationships joke about stuff like this, but narcissists will say that consistently; they’ll remind people, “Hey, you know what, I’m the only person that could tolerate you because you’re so flawed, and you’re so annoying, and you’re so this, or you’re so that…” or “The way you look isn’t perfect, but I’ll accept you.” Those kinds of things are narcissists wanting to deeply embed in people that they’re with so that they can have more mental control.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
6. “No one will ever believe you.”
“No one will ever believe I behave this way, so you can tell whoever you want, because they’re not going to believe you.” “Everybody likes me; why would anybody believe you if you tell them that?” It also tries to make it futile to try to fight against this, to try to say, “Hey, if I’m going to go get help from somebody, or I’m going to try to get support,” they say, “Well, you can just tell people whatever you want; you’re crazy, and everybody knows it, so you can tell people, and they’re not going to believe you anyway.” That’s another way to keep people in line and to keep them in control.
7. “I’m the best thing in your life.”
Narcissists have this deeply held belief that they are special, and they want the other person to praise them and to recognize their specialness, and they want to remind them how special they believe they are. So they’re going to tell you, “Yeah, I’m the best thing in your life; you’re never going to do better than me; you should be so glad that you have somebody like me in your life.”
8. “Good thing you’re pretty…”
“It’s a good thing you’re pretty because you don’t have anything else going for you,” or some variation of this, basically saying, “Oh, look, you’re so beautiful, but, man, you’re stupid,” or “Man, you’re annoying,” or “No one else would be able to handle this kind of stuff for you, so it’s a good thing you’re pretty because the rest of your attributes really aren’t worth that much.” It’s another way to degrade somebody and to make them feel objectified, to make them feel like an object, to make them feel powerless, like they’re not intelligent, that they’re not capable.
9. “You’re delusional.”
This is another one that people use all the time, which is to tell people, “Yeah, your reality is fake; you believe things that aren’t real; I’m a great guy; I do everything for you, and you’re delusional if you actually think that I’m this mean, or you actually think that I’m this critical; that’s just an overreaction; that must be something wrong with you if you’re saying things like that.” This is what the narcissist wants you to hear because, once again, it gives them a certain level of mental control if they can convince you that you’re a delusional person.
10. “You’re too old; no one’s ever going to want you.”
This is another one that taps into some great fears for people because I know men and women that do fear, “Well, what if I’m getting too old? What if I can’t get remarried? What if nobody’s going to want me because of all these reasons?” Well, the narcissist is going to tap into that insecurity and is going to use it. So they’re going to remind you all the time, even though that’s not true, and I see that all the time; people worry about that, and they end up in great relationships later on. And so, the fear that they can’t, or that they really won’t have a quality of life, or won’t have somebody to be with, and that they’re going to be alone, that’s a huge fear for people, and narcissists will use that against you.
11. “To be honest with you…”
Starting a sentence with that, and I know that some people just talk that way, but this is more in the constellation of all of these different kinds of statements. But something that narcissists will oftentimes do is say, “Well, to be honest with you…” and then they say something that’s a lie. So, it’s almost like they’re warning you, “I’m going to say something untrue,” but they’ll preface it with “to be honest with you.”
12. “Well, that’s a woman for you.”
Unfortunately, that’s something I hear all the time in order to be dismissive. So, if someone feels like they’re coming from a position where they can’t feel special, or they’re not going to win an argument, or they can’t make the point that they want to make, then they’ll just say, “Well, obviously I’m superior because that’s just women behaving like women.” Unfortunately, narcissistic men take this position all the time, and narcissistic men are oftentimes very misogynistic. Not always, but oftentimes, they are.
13. Using examples of their ex.
Now, let me explain this because most of us have dated previously to whoever we end up with if we’re married. So, many people have exes. But the narcissist will use examples of exes to make sure that you behave the way that they want you to, so they’ll say, “Oh, my ex used to do this,” or “My ex used to do that,” saying something like, “My ex used to complain all the time, but you don’t, and I’m so glad that you don’t.” It’s a way to make you behave in a way that they want you to; it’s a way to silence any time that you feel like you’re being criticized or that you might complain about something, which is a legitimate thing to do in a relationship; we’re allowed to complain about things. But to say, “Ah, my ex used to complain so much; I’m so glad you don’t,” planting that seed early helps try to control the way that you behave over the course of the relationship.
And after that’s been established, you don’t even realize you’re doing it; that’s just become the relationship. So, sometimes there are these ways that they gaslight you, and you don’t realize you’ve been gaslit because that’s just how the relationship has sort of evolved over time.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
14. Another one is what you eat.
Like, “Are you sure you’re gonna eat that?” like, “Do you really need to eat that right now?” “Are you really that hungry?” Once again, it goes back to the idea of weight; it goes back to the idea of making people feel self-conscious; it goes back to making somebody feel like they can control how others feel. Because narcissists feel this deep-seated need to control everyone around them, especially their romantic partners. They also use statements like, “Oh, you’re so beautiful,” only so that later on they can be like, “Yeah, you know, maybe you shouldn’t eat that,” or “Maybe you’ve gained weight,” or “You know, you don’t look as good as you used to.” They oftentimes set you up so they can tear you down later on.
And that’s part of the gaslighting; it’s confusing. It feels great to be complimented, but then when that compliment is used against you later on, because they have no empathy. And that’s one of the things to understand about narcissists, to truly understand what a stark lack of empathy they have. They do not feel the need to make others feel good; they don’t get anything from that.
So, most of us, when we make somebody else feel good, we like knowing people are happy; that’s why we give each other gifts and things like that. We like making people feel good, or at least those of us that are emotionally functioning the way that we’re supposed to be. Narcissists are lacking this piece; empathy just isn’t there, and it’s very hard to wrap your mind around that if you’ve never been with a narcissist or if you’ve never really studied narcissists because you would just assume everybody gets something out of that, but they truly don’t.
Read More: 10 Things Narcissists Say and What They REALLY Mean.
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