The Real Reason Narcissists Won't Admit They're Wrong -

Why will a narcissist never admit their mistakes? You might say it’s because they have narcissistic personality disorder and they think they’re perfect. But that’s not quite the full picture, and it’s not even entirely true 100% of the time. The lack of accountability accounts for so much of your frustration when dealing with a narcissist. I want to shed some light on why it is you always feel like you’re met with a brick wall whenever you ask a narcissist to admit their mistakes or wrongdoings, of which there are usually many.

First, let’s talk about the narcissist’s need for admiration and how mistakes threaten the perfect image they’re trying to project.

To a narcissist, admitting they’re wrong feels like handing over proof that they’re not as amazing as they want the world to believe. So instead, they’ll twist the facts or shift blame—you know, all the things that have driven you crazy and maybe made you doubt yourself all along.

The wildest part about it is that it doesn’t even have to be over something severe. So let’s look at an example. Let’s say the narcissist mistakenly puts something in the refrigerator instead of the freezer. You notice it days later, and it’s a soggy mess dripping all over the place. You ask if they did this, and at first, they say no. But since you haven’t been home for days, there’s really no one else that could have done it.

So now, at this point, some narcissists will double down on that “no” defense—”It wasn’t me!”—and others will just jump into defensive mode. With this, they’ll give you every reason why what they did was a great idea, even though the food is now no longer edible. So if you challenge them, you’ll be met with rage or the silent treatment. The reason it’s so wild is because if they had just admitted they made a mistake, you would have understood. We all make mistakes, but their response is either to gaslight you and make you feel like you’re the problem or to justify their action, even though their action is really beyond justification.

But ultimately, what they’re doing is creating conflict where there doesn’t have to be conflict. Always. If you want to talk about taking the path of most resistance, this would be it for most people. Either you admit your mistake and move on, or you create an argument that has the potential to last a lifetime. For most of us, it’s a no-brainer: just admit the silly mistake and move on. But for a narcissist, it’s more complicated because admitting the mistake challenges their false persona.

Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.

5 Reason why a narcissist will never admit they’re wrong:

1. False persona.

A big reason is their false persona. It is a defense mechanism to protect them from vulnerability. So imagine a narcissist like an astronaut with a very purposeful pressurized environment in their space. Every time you ask them to admit a mistake, it’s like you’re throwing a rock in their direction—a rock that could cause a crack in their helmet and expose them to an environment they can’t survive in, or at least they don’t know how to survive in. I know this sounds dramatic, but it does explain why they would go to such great lengths to deflect and avoid accountability. They need that false persona like we all need oxygen.

If that sounds sad, well, I think it is. But don’t forget the lengths that a narcissist will go through to not only avoid accountability but to ensure you won’t challenge them again. So we can have compassion, but have compassion from a distance.

2. Control.

The next reason a narcissist will never admit their mistakes is because control is supply for them. When we talk about narcissistic supply, what we’re talking about is anything really that feeds their ego. In addition to control, supply could be attention, admiration, validation, or anything else that feeds their fragile self-image. This goes back to that false persona that the narcissist needs to keep going because they need the attention, admiration, validation.

A narcissist can also get supply from control, which could come in ultimately any form. The type of control that keeps them from admitting their mistakes is control over the narrative. So when they won’t acknowledge their mistakes, they’re essentially saying, “I decide what’s true, and you don’t get a vote.” Sometimes they do this for the purpose of manipulation—probably most of the time this is true—but they also avoid accountability purely to control the narrative, which is that they’re superior.

3. They see accountability as weakness.

Another reason narcissists will never admit their mistakes is because they see accountability as weakness. For a narcissist, vulnerability equates to danger. So for them, saying, “I was wrong,” feels like opening the door to an attack. Instead of owning up, they’d rather fight tooth and nail to prove they’re always right, even when it’s absolutely absurd. It’s also true that they see your vulnerability in the same way: as a weakness and something to be exploited. This is why, when you’re with a narcissist long enough, you may find that you stop admitting your own mistakes.

This is just another thing that will make you question whether you’re the narcissist. Another similar question I hear is, “Could they have turned me into a narcissist?” Thankfully, at least from all the research I’ve seen, that’s not possible. But hang around with a narcissist long enough, and you can pick up some bad habits, like not admitting your mistakes. The difference is that you have a different motivation. You stop admitting your mistakes because you’ve learned that they’re only used against you. For example, you might hear something like, “Well, you made this mistake, so can I really trust your judgment on anything?” or “You were wrong about that, so you’re probably wrong about this too.”

4. They lack the emotional tools to be able to handle it.

Moving along, another reason narcissists never admit their mistakes is because they lack the emotional tools to be able to handle it. Narcissism is a shame-based disorder, which means that much of what the narcissist does, somewhat ironically, is to avoid feeling shame.

It’s somewhat ironic because some of the things that they do you might think of as shameful, but they don’t necessarily see it that way. Just in general, shame cuts us all pretty deeply, but to a narcissist, it feels unmanageable. So that cut is a really, really big gap. When you point a finger at them and ask that they admit a mistake or a wrongdoing, it can trigger that shame button within them. Admitting that they’re wrong is kind of like accepting the shame, which is something a narcissist is unwilling to do.

Much like much of narcissistic abuse, even though it feels very personal to you in that moment when they’re attacking you, it’s more about them and their own defense mechanisms. That has nothing to do with you or your value. In a lot of cases, when they’re lashing out, it is to protect that false persona and to protect them from something that they really feel they can’t handle.

Again, this isn’t to make you feel sorry for them and want to help them, because you cannot help someone who will not help themselves and does not want to help themselves. But if you feel so compelled, you can have compassion again from a distance.

5. Because it’s a power play.

This brings us to the next reason narcissists will never admit their mistakes. This one only comes up sometimes, but it’s probably the most intentionally abusive reason on the list: the narcissist will never admit their mistakes because it’s a power play. They see how frustrated you get, and this can become like a game to them—a game where their prize is the supply they get from pulling your emotional strings.

Depending on the narcissist and the situation, they may even get a kick out of turning a small issue into something that you can’t seem to let go of. They can easily end it with a few simple words, yet they choose to keep you on the hook, doing everything in your power to get them to see reason or logic. What’s the endgame? Well, by refusing to take responsibility, they push you into a cycle of self-doubt and frustration, making it easier to manipulate you in the future.

But once you’ve been through a few rounds of these manipulations, you do become a little bit wise to the game. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to deal with a narcissist, you need to know that your best defense is to say less. Everything inside of you may be saying to scream and shout and fight, but that’s typically the least effective strategy. By saying less, you’re actually saying a whole lot more.