Today’s article was a request by one of my faithful readers, and they wanted to know why Narcissists say one thing and do another, and what is the power dynamic behind it. That is a very good observation, as Narcissists are known to be hypocrites. They tend to say one thing but do the opposite. They contradict what they claim to believe and even feel with their actions. Or, in public, they have a distinct image, beliefs, or behaviors compared to what they do in private.
Being a hypocrite is standard for Narcissists because their behavior is guided by their internal need to maintain control—not just of their image but of the people around them. And for a long time, many of us may have been taught or programmed to trust people’s words over actions; trusting words over actions, always ready to give that benefit of the doubt. But this is where Narcissists come in and take advantage of this. Knowing what to say and how to say it to be as convincing as they can. Drawing us in with false promises, compliments, and soft words to gain our trust.
I have done articles on things Narcissists say to gain our trust and how a lot of them have that gift of gab or persuasion to get people to do what they want. So, even though their words do not match their actions, they put a lot of emphasis on what they say and how they say it, as they know the power behind words. Therefore, the inconsistency between their words and actions is a tool that they use to evoke strong emotional reactions such as confusion, frustration, or even hope. And Narcissists exploit all these emotions to maintain dominance.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
So now let us look at some of the different power dynamics that these inconsistencies between their words and actions create.
1. Preservation of Self.
The first one is the preservation of their false self. With their words, Narcissists craft a narrative that portrays them as ideal, competent, or morally superior. Narcissists say what they think others want to hear to gain trust or admiration. This might involve making promises, feigning vulnerability, or expressing fake remorse. But their actions eventually contradict their words, as Narcissists are opportunistic and self-serving. So, for example, although they may have promised kindness and loyalty, in time, they behave selfishly and deceitfully to serve their immediate desires. This discrepancy keeps you off-balance and doubting your own perception of life and events, which allows another powerful dynamic to the Narcissist.
2. Control through confusion.
By using gaslighting and cognitive dissonance, Narcissists are able to destabilize their targets. Because the unfortunate truth is that when the Narcissist is the one being hypocritical, with their actions not matching their words, we end up questioning our own judgment. So, instead of straightaway seeing and accepting Narcissists for the hypocrites that they are, we end up spending more time trying to make sense of their inconsistencies instead of challenging their behavior. The gap between their words and actions allows them to exploit the goodwill of others while evading accountability.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
3. Testing Boundaries.
The final power dynamic I want to look at is boundaries. By behaving inconsistently, a Narcissist can be testing your boundaries to see how much they can get away with. If their actions contradict their promises and there are no consequences, they perceive this as a green light to escalate their manipulative behavior. Each boundary violation is a power trip for the Narcissist, as it reinforces their belief that they are in control and untouchable. That is why, even though it is stressed that firm boundaries are important when it comes to keeping a Narcissist in their place, every boundary laid must also have consequences attached that are readily enforced whenever that boundary is broken. Otherwise, the Narcissist will not be dissuaded from constantly breaking your boundaries.
But to conclude, the gap between what Narcissists say and do is not accidental; it is a calculated strategy to maintain power, control, and their inflated self-image while leaving others disoriented and emotionally entangled. We have to remember that Narcissists are hypocrites and pathological liars. Everything they say and do is to maintain control of their image and others. Their world is a mountain of lies that we have to break through in order to see them for the cruel, toxic beings that they really are.
Ok, that is it for today. Please be sure to share wherever you can if you found it useful. Also, as always, I would appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences, so please share in the comments section below. Many thanks for reading.
Read More: 5 Code Words Narcissists Use: What They Really Mean.
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